


All I Want Is You (This Christmas)

by Dont_Stop_Larry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Christmas, Kissing, Liam is mentioned a little bit, Lots of kissing, M/M, Ok so this was supposed to be posted on christmas, Rimming, Sorry it took so long, b!h, idk what i'm doing it's fine, it was cute and then it got smutty and then cute again, super sappy, t!l, whoops, with just a touch of smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-26 14:04:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13237290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dont_Stop_Larry/pseuds/Dont_Stop_Larry
Summary: Harry broke up with Louis early in 2014. Louis is trying to figure out life without Harry. Being stuck together on a Christmas vacation might just mend everything.





	All I Want Is You (This Christmas)

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be my Christmas gift to you guys, but I've been so busy with family and such that I just now finished it and got it edited, so here you go! 
> 
> Thank you to Missy for editing on such short notice and thank you to all of you for reading my stuff! Lots of Love and happy 2018!
> 
> L xx
> 
> (PS I changed the plot and the timeline twice. so so sorry for the mistakes if there are any)

“Louis, we’re leaving in ten minutes, you’d better be ready or Mum’s gonna kill you!”

Louis groaned and pulled his duvet up over his head. It was way too early in the morning to hear Lottie’s voice that close to his ear. He waved a hand vaguely in her direction, and the next thing he knew, his covers were pulled off and there was a shriek. He smirked, remembering that he’d decided to sleep naked last night. 

“Lou, what the fuck? Put some pants on, at least,” Lottie groaned, her hands over her eyes, and Louis pulled the covers back over himself as he sat up. 

“Language, Lots. Alright, I’m coming, I’m coming,” Louis said in the direction of the door, where three more heads had popped in – his sisters Fizzy, Phoebe and Daisy. 

“Mum’s already packed the car!” Daisy said, and Phoebe nodded.

“Yeah, she’s already packed it.”

They always had to say the same thing now. Must be a twin thing, Louis thought to himself as he shooed Lottie towards the door with his hand. 

When his door was finally closed, he rubbed at his eyes and looked blearily around the room. It must have been something like 9 am, and yet he was awake for … what exactly? Louis shook his head. He knew that he was going somewhere, and he’d been packing for days, getting ready.

His heart leapt, and he smiled as he remembered at last where they were going: the cabin. He and his family had been going to that cabin since Louis was about six years old, and it was one of his favorite places in the world. With all the traveling he’d been doing with the boys, being home was weird enough. Going to the cabin? It almost seemed like a dream to get to be with his family where he wouldn’t be watched or recorded all the fucking time. 

He jumped out of bed and into the shower. He figured the rest of the family could wait for the five minutes it would take him to wash his hair. He reached for his shampoo blindly, and only when he was rubbing it into his hair did he catch a whiff of coconut and strawberries. His eyes snapped open and his breath caught in his throat. He must have grabbed Harry’s shampoo by mistake when they’d packed up their hotel room, which made no sense because he and Harry hadn’t shared a room since they broke up six months ago.

Louis sucked in a deep breath and washed the shampoo away quickly, shaking his head. He didn’t need to be thinking about that whole mess right now. He just wanted to get to the cabin and forget about the world for a week. He needed that. He deserved that. 

Ten minutes later, Louis was dressed, had jammed a grey beanie onto his head, and pulled on a coat. At the last second, he grabbed his laptop. The cabin didn’t have great Wi-Fi, but he wanted to continue trying to write. He’d gotten really into songwriting lately. It helped him express things that he couldn’t really say out loud. It helped him relax and focus on the good things, rather than the things his management had recently cooked up for him to endure. 

_ Not gonna think about that, not thinking about it, _ Louis repeated to himself as he climbed into the back seat of the car. Lottie had the front; served him right for taking forever and getting caught up in his thoughts. He settled between the twins, who immediately turned to him and started babbling about their latest school shenanigans, and Louis leaned back, letting himself get lost in their voices. This week, he wouldn’t have to worry about anything other than spending time with his family before touring again next year. He could finally relax.

 

*

Several hours later, Louis was roused from a half sleep by the excited screams of his sisters. 

“We’re here, we’re here!”

Louis sat up and blinked the sleep out of his eyes, smiling as he looked through the front windshield at the scene before him. The ground was covered in a light dusting of white and the lights from the cabin shown down on their car. The sky was just beginning to darken, the sun disappearing behind the mountains in the distance, and Louis sighed. The beauty of this place would never cease to amaze him. 

He helped the twins and Fizzy get their stuff from the car, and dragged his own bag onto his shoulder, looking around as the snow landed softly in his hair. He breathed in the cold air and felt a huge weight lift off him. This was going to be a good week, he just knew it. 

Louis closed the trunk of the car, and as he walked towards the front door, he noticed another car in the driveway. His eyebrows furrowed … maybe the owners were still here making sure everything was set before Louis and his family came in. It wasn’t that important anyways.

Louis finally reached the front door, his sisters crowding around him as they all tried to squeeze through the door at once. Louis rolled his eyes but laughed as he stepped into the warm interior of the cabin. It smelled like pine and something spicy, and Louis loved it more than anything. It took him back to the times before he was famous, before any of this ever happened, when he just had him and his mum and two sisters. Not necessarily better times, but simpler, maybe. He followed everyone to the main room and more cheers went up. Louis rounded the corner and stopped dead in his tracks, his heart suddenly beating out of his chest. 

Three other people were already in the room, sitting next to the fire and drinking tea. As the wave of girls entered the room, the two women stood, laughing and hugging everyone. Gemma and Anne had always been close with the girls, and it was amazing to see that, but Louis’ attention wasn’t on the reunion going on in front of him. His eyes were fixed on the chair in the corner, right next to the fire, where a tall boy with chestnut curls and wide green eyes sat, a book in his hands. 

Louis locked eyes with Harry and everything else in the room seemed to fade. Harry was just staring at him with no expression on his face. Louis couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t even think straight. Harry looked so … beautiful, like he always did, but Louis wasn’t allowed to think that anymore. Harry had made that perfectly clear. His chest ached dully. 

Louis felt a hand on his shoulder and he tore his eyes away from Harry, looking up into his mother’s face. She looked apologetic, almost sad, and then Louis remembered. They’d planned this trip ages ago, last Christmas when Louis was miserable without Harry. Louis knew he told his mum that they broke up, but with how busy they were with tour, they hadn’t had much time to talk about it. Anne and Gemma were trying, and failing, to look between them, but Harry gave absolutely no acknowledgement that he knew Louis was there looking away and going back to his book at once. He mustered up a fake smile for the girls, who were all excited and probably didn’t know about the breakup at all.

“Surprise, love,” Jay said, trying to sound cheerful. Louis nodded, keeping that smile plastered on his face.

“Yeah … thanks so much, Mum, love you.” He cleared his throat, feeling the lump rising in it, and his eyes burned. “I’m, umm, gonna put my stuff up, yeah? Be back soon. I’ll help with dinner.”

Jay nodded, her face softening into a sympathetic look, and Louis got out of the room as quickly as he could, heading up the curved staircase and to the end of the hall, where his room was. He hurried inside and closed the door, leaning his head back against it. He felt tears in his eyes, but no. He would not give anyone the satisfaction of finding him crying. He was being pathetic. He needed to just relax and take a few minutes to himself.

He dropped his bag on the bed, wiped his eyes furiously, and pulled off his shoes. Why did Harry affect him like this? Why did he have to fall in love with him and then fuck it all up? It wasn’t even technically his fault, it had been management and their never-ending bullshit, but Harry had blamed Louis. Louis bit down on the inside of his cheek, forcing his pain away. He’d gotten pretty good at that lately. Maybe if he went back downstairs and made dinner, he’d feel better. He needed a distraction, something to keep him far away from Harry, because right now, the mere sight of him hurt. 

 

*

Back downstairs, Louis took a deep breath before walking through to the kitchen. He found it alive with steam and delicious smells and the sound of a knife chopping vegetables. His smile, which had appeared at the smell of food, faded as he saw the back of Harry’s head at the sink, washing potatoes. His soft curls were resting perfectly just on the tops of his shoulders, held up by a dark blue head scarf. Louis scratched the back of his head, feeling the hair that was touching his collar. He had started growing it out with Harry after a late-night conversation where Harry had confessed his apprehension of growing his hair. Louis had kissed him until he smiled and told him that he’d grow his out too if that would make him feel better. And so they had started, and less than six months later, Harry had left him alone in their hotel room and hadn’t spoken much to him since. 

Louis tore his eyes away from Harry and focused instead on Anne and Gemma, who were sitting at the round table, talking to Jay as she went back and forth between the stove and the counter. Louis thought maybe he could manage to help out anyway, but he had barely moved into the middle of everything, trying to get plates out of the cupboard, when he accidentally backed into Harry, causing him to drop potatoes everywhere. They just looked at each other, and Louis could feel an instant heat in his cheeks as he backed up in embarrassment. 

“I … I’m sorry, Haz, I didn’t –” Louis choked on his own words, the old nickname slipping out before he could stop himself. He honestly thought Harry might hit him or something … he had been nothing short of scary the night he’d left, and Louis had become accustomed to seeing what could only be described as a death stare directed at him whenever they were in the same room. 

“It’s fine,” Harry said shortly, and Louis felt his breath snag in his throat. Harry’s words were sharp, hitting Louis hard, but as much pain as Louis was feeling right now, he felt a strange sense of relief at being this close to Harry. He’d missed it, he’d missed their closeness and the warmth radiating off Harry like a human heater. He missed sneaking up behind Harry in the kitchen of their tiny apartment and wrapping his arms around Harry’s tiny waist and kissing his neck, which, at that point, was the highest he could reach without getting on his tiptoes. The memories flooded Louis’ mind, and he knew he needed to get out of there before he either broke down or said something he’d regret. He had quite the habit of doing the latter as of late. 

“Mum, I’m going to chop some more firewood,” he said, chancing another glance at Harry, who was on the floor picking up the potatoes, ignoring him pointedly, before hurrying out of the room.

“Be careful out there, Louis. Make sure you’re back in under an hour, or I’ll have to send a search party for you.”

Louis could hear Anne and Gemma laughing, but he didn’t look back. He instead headed for the front closet, where he grabbed boots, a jacket, and some gloves. He tugged everything on, wrapping a scarf around his neck before he headed out. The cold wind nipped at his exposed nose and cheeks, but he ignored it, trudging towards the shed in the distance. The wind was howling, blowing snow around him in swirls, and he pulled his scarf tighter to him, gritting his teeth against the cold. 

Louis finally reached the shed, the wind nearly blowing him inside. Everything was as the owners had left it, which meant it was a mess, but Louis didn’t mind. Chaos helped him think sometimes. Louis picked up the ax and pulled some wood from the pile, his mind wandered to Harry. It was always Harry, even when he didn’t want it to be, even when he was actively trying not to think about him. He raised the ax and swung it down, hearing and feeling the satisfying _ thunk _ as it sank into the wood, splitting it unevenly in half. 

Harry had taken Louis in from the moment they met in that disgusting bathroom, and Louis had no explanation. He’d taken one look at those green doe eyes and his heart had said “yep, that’s the one, that’s him right there.” Louis had always been afraid of his feelings for boys, but when it came to Harry, for some reason, he wasn’t scared one bit. 

_ Thunk. _

And Harry had been so receptive, so eager to please Louis and to be close to him and to hold his hand. Louis thought it was too good to be true, but when he and Harry had finally kissed for the first time, he knew it wasn’t just a fluke or a joke. This was fate.

_ Thunk. Thunk. Thunk. _

And they’d been happy, blissfully happy, and the other boys were so supportive of them. Everything was perfect. And then management found out.

Louis swung the ax down and missed the wood completely, pulling his foot out of the way just in time. He stayed like that, leaned over and holding his breath, taking a minute to blink back the angry tears that were threatening to spill onto his cheeks. Fucking management. If they weren’t so hell bent on making sure the industry stayed “straight”, none of this would have happened. He and Harry would be fine. Neither of them would have been forced into fake relationships that put such a strain on their real one. 

_ Thunk. Thunk. _

Louis knew one thing, and one thing only: he loved Harry. Harry was it for him, he knew that and he wouldn’t let that go. But everything had taken too many nasty turns. There were too many late nights, too many nights coming home drunk or too exhausted to even say hello, too many mornings waking up next to a cold and empty bed. The strain had become too much, and Harry had snapped. Not that Louis could blame him, but he thought that Harry might have been able to hold on for just a little bit longer. 

_ Thunk. Thunk. Thunk. Thunk. _

Louis furiously chopped at the wood until he was surrounded with more firewood than he needed, wood chippings sticking to his jacket and his hair, and then he kept going. All his anger and frustration and pain went into every swing of the ax, and he continued for a while after his hands had gone numb and his nose was running.

“Louis?”

Louis finally stopped, breathing hard, and turned around to see Harry standing in the doorway to the shed, bundled up against the wind and the cold. They both just stood there for a moment, neither saying a word and neither looking away. This was the first actual contact they’d had in almost six months, and Louis wasn’t quite sure what to do. Harry, however, took advantage of his silence.

“S’time for dinner. Your mum sent me out here to get you.”

Before Louis could say anything, before he could apologize for something random or even say Harry’s name, Harry was gone, the wind whipping the door shut. Louis sighed, placed the ax carefully back on the wall where it belonged, and followed Harry out into the gathering darkness. He’d get the wood later. 

 

*

Dinner was one of the worst things Louis had ever experienced. The food was amazing, and everyone was laughing and catching up and drinking, but the tension between himself and Harry was too thick for him to ignore. Louis hoped that his family wouldn’t notice, but they were all giving him strange looks. Louis and Harry had always been touchy, even before they were dating. Louis cleared his throat, and they all looked away, pretending to be busy eating and talking to each other. Louis could feel Harry next to him, and it was taking everything he had not to reach out and hold his hand like he used to. They were doing their best not to knock elbows at the crowded table, and despite the piles of food laid before him and the hunger eating at his stomach, Louis didn’t feel much like eating. That had been a theme for him as of late, not eating.

Jay looked up from her end of the table and caught Louis’ eye, her eyebrows furrowing as she took in Louis and Harry, sitting close but not interacting, and Louis looked away quickly before she could comment on anything. As if he needed to explain to the entire table that management had finally broken them, possibly beyond repair.

As they all finished their food, Harry leaned back in his chair and put his hands behind his head, stretching and humming contentedly. Louis glanced sideways at him, wanting to say something, anything, but nothing came to mind. Instead, Louis moved his knee slightly to the left and nudged Harry’s. He didn’t know what made him do it, but he was desperate for any sort of contact with Harry, anything that might break the tension even a little. Harry’s calm demeanor immediately changed, and he sat up, stiff. He looked over and his green eyes met Louis. Louis held his breath, wondering what was going to happen, hoping against all hope that Harry might smile, just a little bit. But Harry looked away, frowning as he pulled his leg away from Louis, severing the small moment of contact. Louis flushed and scooted his chair away from Harry, not looking up until the plates were cleared from the table. He just wanted to go to his room and lay down.

“Louis, will you help with the dishes, please?” Jay called, and Louis sighed. Helping his mother meant he was going to be asked questions, the absolute last thing he wanted right now, but he couldn’t refuse since he hadn’t helped with dinner. He walked over to the sink and began to fill it with soap and water, doing his best to look normal and well fed and settled. It didn’t work.

“Lou, what’s going on?” His mum’s voice was soft, quiet so that only he could hear, but he just shook his head.

“Everything’s fine, Mum, don’t worry,” Louis lied, but one look at his mum’s face told him that she wasn’t going to let him off the hook that easy. Louis swallowed … he wasn’t even sure if he could say it out loud … saying it would make it an absolute reality, something he probably couldn’t change, and he had been avoiding that for six months. 

“Louis … you’re scaring me, love. Please, just talk to me, I’m your mum,” Jay said quietly, reaching out to touch Louis’ arm. Louis flinched away, knowing that the moment she touched him, he would cry instantly.

“I … Mum, we … we broke up, you know that, but I’m just … I’m not handling it as - as well as I should be, I guess,” Louis said, his voice breaking. His nails dug into the back of his other hand, fighting back sobs. Jay’s face fell into an expression somewhere between disbelief and utter sadness, and Louis couldn’t hold it in anymore. Tears slid down his cheeks even as he tried valiantly to smile. 

“Oh, Lou …”

Louis let her pull him into a hug, and he allowed himself to let go. He felt silent sobs tearing themselves from his chest, his throat dry and his entire body aching with the pain he was finally allowing himself to feel.

They just stood there for a while, hugging in the middle of the kitchen, until Louis had cried so much that he didn’t think he had any more tears left in him. He pulled away from his mum and wiped his eyes, managing a closed lipped smile of sorts. 

“How long?” Jay asked, holding his face in her hands as only a mother could. But, Louis thought, Harry had done that once too, held him with such gentle touches.

“Been about six months. I think I told you, but time’s just dragged on since … and I never really wanted to tell you cause you’re such good friends with Anne and I didn’t want to fuck that up, and …” He trailed off, his teeth sinking into his cheek again as he felt his eyes well with fresh tears. He’d done enough crying for one night. 

“Is that why … you haven’t been eating?” she asked, almost apprehensive, and Louis nodded reluctantly, hating having to admit his faults and his horrible habits to anyone, even if it was his mum. She pulled him back into her arms, and Louis felt warm, safe, something he hadn’t felt in a long time. “Lou, you can’t … please don’t let him affect you like this, ok? You have to eat. Promise me, please.”

Louis nodded. He couldn’t refuse his mum, but he knew he was well on his way to an actual eating disorder, as Liam had reprimanded him for at least twice a day since September. It was going to be a lot easier said than done. But he knew he had to do it. He couldn’t let himself fall so far off the track like this. Hearing her say it made it all the more real to him. He needed to take care of himself.

“I will. I promise, I’ll try. I just … miss him so much, Mum, I don’t know what to do.”

Jay let him go and looked at him. “It gets better, love. But if you ask me, I think Harry misses you just as much, he just doesn’t know how to say it or how to fix his mistake of letting you go. I hope you figure it out.”

Louis’ lips turned up a little, trying to indulge her optimism, but he didn’t have much himself.

“Thanks, Mum … thank you.”

 

*

Once the dishes were finished, Louis and Jay joined everyone else by the fire. Louis sat as far away from Harry as he could manage, not really ready to be near him right now. Louis hated this. If this were a normal vacation, they would be lounging on the loveseat, Harry settled contentedly between Louis’ legs with his head on Louis’ shoulder. Louis looked over at Harry, but Harry was determinedly looking the other way, listening to Daisy and Phoebe babble on about school and what they wanted for Christmas. 

Christmas … that was another thing. Louis had Harry’s Christmas present tucked away at the bottom of his bag. He’d bought it ages ago, and even though everything had slowly gone to shit, Louis had been carrying it with him everywhere. He knew there was very little chance that he’d be able to give it to Harry now, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave it behind.

“I think it’s time for bed, yeah?” Anne said, and all his sisters groaned, but Louis nearly jumped out of his seat. He wanted nothing more than to just sit in his room and stare at the ceiling. Louis quickly kissed all his sisters goodnight and then hurried up the stairs, heading to his room and putting his bag on the floor next to the bed. He sat down on top of the duvet, untying the boots he’d left on and tugging them off. He’d probably need them tomorrow, anyway.

The doorknob rattled, and Louis looked up just in time to see Harry nearly stumble through the door. He’d never been one with good balance, and Louis always found that endearing. Even now, it put the smallest of smiles on his face, even with how terrified he was to be in the same room with him, alone. Harry looked up after righting his footing and stopped mid-step as he saw that someone else was in the room.

“Oh … I thought this was … am I in the wrong room?” Harry said, looking uncomfortable, and Louis swallowed, realizing what this meant.

“Umm, I … I didn’t tell Mum, so she assumed … she must have put us in the same room and given the rest of the rooms to the girls.”

Harry just stared at him, and Louis felt his face get hot. He wasn’t sure what else to say, so they both stood there in the most awkward of silences. Louis entire body was screaming at him to wrap Harry in his arms and carry him to bed, but he couldn’t move, not when Harry was looking at him like that.

“I guess I can sleep on the couch?” Harry said, and Louis’ heart dropped into his stomach. Even though he knew that Harry wouldn’t want to sleep in the same room as him, it still hurt to hear him say it. Louis shook his head, however. Harry was technically the guest here, and Louis wasn’t about to make him sleep on the couch.

“No, no, don’t worry. You can have the bed. I’ll take the couch.”

“Lou …” Harry started, and Louis’ heart fluttered at the nickname, but he knew Harry was going to argue, and Louis just couldn’t handle another argument right now. If he could do at least one thing for Harry, it would be this.

“No, H. Your back … I’m taking the couch.” 

Harry looked down, and Louis picked up his bag, grabbing his boots with his free hand. As Louis passed Harry in the doorway, his hand brushed Harry’s. Harry’s sharp intake of breath made Louis look up, up into those big green eyes, and for once, they weren’t dark and angry. They were wide and vulnerable, and Louis was so shocked that he just stood there until Harry closed the door in his face. Louis stood there for another moment, hardly believing that this was what they’d come to, and then walked downstairs. He pulled an old blanket and a pillow from a closet on his way down, dropped his bag next to the couch, and then went to the small bathroom to wash up before bed. 

As Louis settled under his blanket and felt the heat of the fire on his face, the only thing he could think about was how much warmer he’d be if Harry were next to him.

 

*

“Mummy, why is Louis on the couch?”

“I thought he and Harry were sharing …”

“Maybe the bed was too crowded?”

“Girls, come on now, let him sleep.”

Louis moved slightly at the whispers and his lower back twinged. He gritted his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut. He had known this would happen, but better him than Harry. He prayed that he would fall back to sleep, but he knew it was useless. He sat up and put a hand to his back, massaging it in the hopes that it would go away, but he knew better. He’d just have to deal with it. He swung his legs off the couch, his toes tangling in the soft carpet, and bent over, hanging his head between his knees. Maybe if he cracked his back, it would feel better.

“Lou?”

Louis sat up straight quickly, and his back protested. His hand went straight to it and he whispered out a string of swear words. 

Harry was standing there, looking like he hadn’t slept at all, but for the first time since Harry had left him, Harry wasn’t ignoring him. On the contrary, Harry looked extremely concerned, but he didn’t move any closer.

“Hey. Sleep well?” Louis asked, standing up with the help of the couch. He was only 22, he shouldn’t have back issues.

“Yeah, umm … was a bit cold,” Harry mumbled, looking at the floor. “You alright?”

Louis put on a fake smile, which he knew Harry would see through immediately, but it was the gesture that counted, right? “Yeah, fine. Just slept wrong, I guess.”

Harry pressed his lips together and then left Louis there, walking into the kitchen to join the chatter of voices. Louis sighed. Small talk was not what he wanted with Harry. He wanted to talk about this, he wanted to be able to kiss Harry’s sleepy face until Harry giggled, he wanted Harry to kiss down his back and made it better. He wanted to be with Harry again.

Louis closed his eyes. This was the first time Harry had actually started a conversation with him willingly, but he knew it had to be a one off. Harry was just trying to act the part for their families.

He made his way into the kitchen everyone turned to look at him. 

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer, I know I look like shit,” Louis grumbled, sitting down at the table with a grunt as his back flared up. He put his head in his hands … he just wanted to lay down in a bed and sleep, but he knew he couldn’t. Today was decoration day, which meant the girls would be getting all the decorations and he would have to go out and cut the tree. Sleep would have to wait. 

Louis didn’t look up again until he felt a plate being put down in front of him, and then he ate without really thinking about it. Lack of sleep was bringing on a headache, but he tried not to let it show on his face. The girls were counting on him.

“M’just gonna go lay down for a few minutes, yeah?” Louis said to the room at large. His sisters all looked mildly concerned and started protesting, but Jay shushed them and shooed Louis away. Louis walked upstairs, wincing every few steps. He hadn’t expected it to be this bad … he really must have slept wrong.

He walked into what would have been his and Harry’s room and found it perfectly neat, bed made and clothes folded in a corner next to Harry’s open bag. Louis lay down on the bed, closing his eyes. He’d only sleep for a few minutes.

 

*

He ended up sleeping fitfully for a majority of the morning and afternoon, only fully waking up when the smell of food wafted up the stairs. Louis sat up groggily and looked around. The door was closed … had he closed the door before he’d fallen asleep? He couldn’t really remember. 

He stood up and walked slowly down the stairs, wincing every few steps but gritting his teeth and ignoring his back. He could hear voices echoing from the kitchen, and he knew that yet another meal of awkward silences was upon him. He was so tired and not feeling hungry at all, but he knew he should probably make an appearance. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, took a deep breath, and entered the kitchen.

 

*

It went on like that for three more days. Louis slept on the couch and woke up every morning with a terrible pain in his back, but he never once complained. He instead spent a majority of his time outside or in the kitchen, avoiding Harry. Harry didn’t seem to mind - he hadn’t made any attempt to talk to Louis since that first morning, other than a few side comments that normally would make Louis laugh, but instead made him feel sick.

He woke up on the fifth morning of their trip with twin girls jumping on the couch. Louis looked around - it was still dark outside.

“Lou-Lou, wake up, it’s decorating day!”

“C’mon, Lou, get up, get up!”

“M’up, m’up,” Louis mumbled, sitting up and biting down hard on his fist to keep himself from making any noise of pain. “You go get Mum and your other sisters up, yeah?”

The twins yelled with excitement and scampered off up the stairs. Louis fell back against the couch with a groan. Normally, decoration day was his favorite. He loved it when the house was warm and lit up with candles and the tree and everything, but with everything going on, he didn’t feel even remotely excited.

Louis stood up and could hear everyone being woken up upstairs. He heard the shower turn on, but he ignored all of it, walking up through the crowd of girls flocking down the steps and towards the end of the hallway. He needed a real bed, his bed.

He walked in and found the bed made, and didn’t even bother pulling down the duvet before collapsing on the bed, falling right to sleep.

 

*

“Lou, wake up.”

Louis thought he felt a hand on his cheek and his eyes slowly opened. He felt slightly better, and his back wasn’t hurting so much anymore. He blinked and nearly fell of the bed when he saw Harry sitting next to him on the bed. He thought Harry was downstairs already - he definitely didn’t remember Harry being in the room when he’d gotten there. Then again, Harry was probably the one who was taking a shower earlier. 

“What … what time is it?” Louis asked frantically. There was so much to do, he had to get out there and get the tree and get it back to the house and cut it to fit and help with the decorations and the fire and …

“It’s nearly lunch. You’ve been asleep for a bit. Figured I’d come wake you before the twins destroy you for not having their tree yet.”

There was a hint of something in Harry’s voice that made Louis almost smile, and it was almost like they were fine, but the lack of Harry’s hand on Louis leg or waist or face made it clear that they weren’t. But this was something. Harry was talking to him, again willingly and on his own terms. It was weird now that they’d been studiously avoiding each other for months, but Louis wasn’t complaining. Just hearing Harry’s voice without the anger behind it was something for him.

“Right, umm … thanks,” Louis said, sitting up fully and just taking Harry in. Harry was wearing one of those terrible Christmas sweaters, but somehow, he pulled it off. His curls were free of a headscarf today, falling around his face perfectly and in all the right ways. This was how Louis loved to see Harry, soft and natural and just  _ Harry _ . But it wasn’t a privilege he had anymore, so he was taking what he could get.

“I’ll just go downstairs then, and make sure the twins don’t come up here to get you.”

Harry stood up and made for the door, but Louis called after him.

“Haz?”

Harry froze mid step and turned back. Louis could swear his cheeks were a little red. “Yeah?”

“Umm … you wanna help me with the tree? I can cut it, but I don’t think I can drag it back here by myself.”

Louis didn’t know what made him ask, but it must have been his renewed interaction with Harry that made him confident enough to even think up the idea. Harry studied Louis for a few moments, and Louis could just tell he was going to refuse. Of course he would, why would Harry want to spend time with the person he broke up with?

“Yeah, of course.”

Louis heard Harry’s response, but didn’t truly process it until he could hear Harry going down the stairs. Harry had said yes. It would be just himself and Harry out there in the woods cutting down a tree. Maybe they could talk, figure this whole thing out. Maybe Louis could win him back. With that thought in his mind, Louis jumped out of bed and hurried downstairs to get jeans and a sweater. 

 

*

They’d been walking for almost half an hour when Harry stopped suddenly, and Louis almost collided with him. 

“That one. It’s perfect!” Harry said in awe, walking towards a tree half covered in snow. It was the first time Harry had spoken since they’d left the house, and Louis was getting more and more anxious the longer they walked in silence. But Louis wasn’t about to ruin Harry’s excitement. He knew how much Harry loved Christmas – it was one of the things Louis loved most about Harry, how excited he got about small things like puppies or Christmas trees. Louis followed Harry’s footsteps through the deep snow, glad to be under the cover of the trees. It was still snowing – it hadn’t stopped since Louis and his family had gotten there. Louis wondered if they’d get snowed in, but right now, that wasn’t what he needed to be focusing on.

Louis stopped next to Harry, who was looking from the tree to Louis, his eyes bright and a smile threatening to split his face. Louis could feel his lips lifting in a smile, and he looked up at the tree. It had been a long time since he’d seen Harry smile like that, and he hadn’t felt this happy in ages.

“You sure about this, Harry? You realize you and I have to drag this all the way back to the cabin, right?”

Harry rolled his eyes. “I’d drag this thing for miles, honestly. We’re getting this one.”

Knowing that there was no use arguing with him, Louis unhooked the saw from his belt, pulled it out of its protective sleeve, and began clearing a path so he could get to the base of the trunk. Harry bent over to help, and Louis allowed himself a moment to admire Harry. His excitement made him vibrant, beautiful, and all Louis wanted to do was tackle him in the snow and kiss him. 

It was almost weird, being out here with Harry. It was almost like nothing had changed between them, like they were still together and still fighting the system and still fighting for each other. The reality of their situation seemed miles away, and Louis wondered if maybe, just maybe, this trip might save them and bring Harry back to him.

Louis shook himself out of that fantasy. Just because they were talking now didn’t mean anything. Harry still hated their situation. He still hated everything that they were being put through, and, as far as Louis knew, he still didn’t want to be with Louis. Louis gave up, throwing himself face first into the snow and crawling under the tree. 

“Harry, do you have a hold on the trunk?” Louis called, and he felt some snow land on his legs as Harry pushed through the snowy branches.

“Got it!” Louis heard Harry’s voice and put the saw to the wood. He could feel his legs and waist slowly sinking under snow as it fell from between the branches, burying him. His saw was halfway through the trunk of the tree when the wood cracked. It must have been dead or dying, because no sooner had Louis yanked the saw out that the tree fell, and he heard Harry’s yelp of surprise. 

“Harry?” Louis said, crawling out from under the piles of snow. The tree was laying in the snow, but Louis couldn’t see Harry anywhere. His heart was suddenly in his throat. Was Harry under the tree? Was he hurt? Louis hurried around the tree, fearing the worst. If he’d hurt Harry out here, he knew he’d never forgive himself. 

“Got you!” 

Louis gave a very surprised shriek as he was jumped on. He fell into the snow with Harry’s lanky body on top of him, their faces inches apart. Harry’s green eyes were wide, his lips slightly parted, and Louis froze. They hadn’t been this close in a very long time, and Louis’ every instinct was telling him to kiss Harry, to kiss him until his lips were bruised and wet and he looked completely fucked out. And, for once, Louis gave in to instinct.

In the moment that their lips touched, everything that had been wrong seemed to mend itself. Harry’s lips were soft, just like they always had been, and Louis felt slightly lightheaded as he parted his lips, allowing Harry to lick slowly into his mouth. Louis let out a breathy whimper and kissed Harry harder. The snow was cold against the back of his neck, but he didn’t care. All he cared about was Harry, feeling him this close and knowing that everything, somehow, would be ok.

Harry pulled away suddenly, gasping. His eyes were blown wide, the green of his irises almost completely consumed by black. He scrambled back off of Louis and stood up, turning away. Louis lay there, stunned and hot, despite the snow melting down through his shirt. He couldn’t believe what had just happened. It was like a fever dream, something that could happen but would never become a reality. And yet it had, right there, right when Louis had begun to lose all hope. 

“C’mon. Gotta get this back to the house.”

Louis sat up and stared at him. Harry’s voice had no emotion, nothing at all. He didn’t understand what had just happened. 

“Harry, I’m-”

“No, Louis. I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just go.”

Louis swallowed, confused and hurt. He didn’t want to think about what this might mean for them, for their possible future. He stood up, fighting the urge to sink to his knees and beg Harry to reconsider, and went to the other side of the tree. They both grabbed part of the trunk and began hauling it through the snow, leaving a huge trench in their wake. Harry was silent, determinedly looking ahead. Louis kept his lips pressed together, sentences and speeches and apologies coming to him and then disappearing, leaving him dejected and hopeless.

As soon as they’d dragged the tree onto the back porch, Harry disappeared inside, leaving Louis to cut the tree to size himself. Louis sighed and sat down on the snow-covered porch, using the saw and some clippers to trim the tree and cut off the messy part of the trunk. 

It was over, he was sure of it. There was no hope left to be had. Harry hated him for something he hadn’t been able to control in the slightest, and now Louis would never get him back. Louis thought that kiss would help Harry remember that he loved Louis, and show that Louis still loved him, but it wasn’t enough. He wasn’t enough for Harry anymore.  

By the time Louis was done, his hands were numb and his back was aching again. He opened both doors and dragged the tree in by himself.

“Louis, love, you want some help?”

Gemma hurried over to help Louis through the door, and he gave her a grateful grimace as he stood up straight, getting a better hold on the tree. As he and Gemma carried their perfect tree into the main room, Gemma looked pointedly at him and said, so that no one else could hear, “Just talk to him, yeah? It’ll all work out.”

“I doubt that’s going to work at this point, Gems. He’s done with me,” Louis mumbled back as they set the tree in the stand, and cheers went up from the girls as they hurried towards the boxes of decorations.

“Well, make him. You know how stubborn he is. But he’s miserable not talking to you. He needs you.” Gemma gave him a smile and patted his shoulder. “He’s upstairs right now, if you wanna give it a shot.”

Louis gave Gemma a grateful half hug and went to the front closet to hang up his jacket and discard his boots. His stomach was churning suddenly. He was afraid of what Harry was going to say to him, if anything. What if he regretted their kiss? What if he wanted Louis back? Both options terrified the fuck out of him, but there was one thing he was sure of: He would not be responsible for ruining Harry’s Christmas. 

He walked slowly up the stairs and saw that the door to Harry’s room was closed. As he got closer, he thought he could hear sobs coming from the other side of that door. The thought of Harry crying made Louis’ heart break. Before he could lose his nerve, he knocked on the door. The sobs stopped at once, and a moment later, the lock clicked and the door swung open to reveal Harry, his eyes red and puffy but his cheeks dry.

“What do you want, Louis?” Harry said thickly as Louis entered the room. Louis closed the door behind him, figuring it would be better to talk in private. 

“I want … I … we need to talk,” Louis said firmly. He had to stay strong in this. If he broke down, he’d never get the answers he needed. “You’ve been avoiding me ever since we … and it’s just killing me, ok? It actually hurts to be standing right next to you and feel like I’m miles away. It hurts to be in the same room as you and feel nothing but hatred and disgust coming from your direction. I know you don’t want to be with me but I … I can’t do this, fuck … “ 

Harry stared at him stonily. “Well, you know why I can’t be with you. And if you don’t know, I’m not telling you again. We can’t be together.”

“That’s not fair, Harry. I can’t remember the last time we couldn’t talk to each other about something. We’re best friends … I trusted you with everything I have, and I still do. I thought you felt the same.”

Harry’s eyes filled with tears and Louis could feel his resolve breaking. 

“Lou, I … of course I …” Harry breathed deeply, his voice regaining some of the anger Louis had become accustomed to in the past months. “Doesn’t seem like we’re the best of friends lately. We never spend time together.”

“You refuse to be near me. I didn’t choose that, you did! And let me just remind you that before this whole mess happened, we spent more time together than we spent with our families. We shared a fucking dressing room, and any night that I wasn’t with the other boys, I was with you. I don’t understand …”

“NO! You spend half your free time with  _ her _ , and I couldn’t take it, Louis. I still can’t.”

Louis knew they would eventually get to this point, and he couldn’t hold back an eye roll. He realized his mistake a moment too late. Harry’s tears, now angry, spilled onto his cheeks, and he turned away.

“Harry, please, I just … You know I couldn’t control any of that, I don’t know why you blame me for that. And I didn’t think my responsibilities with her were that big of a deal at first.”

“This is big, Louis. You don’t understand what it’s like … watching you be with her, seeing pictures of you with her, reading those articles about how in love you guys are. It’s bullshit! I wanted to be the name next to yours! I wanted to be your fucking boyfriend to the rest of the world, not just to you. And I couldn’t be your behind the scenes boyfriend anymore, Louis.”

Louis stared at Harry, his mouth open as he tried to figure out what he was supposed to say, because everything was backfiring on him. 

“You don’t think I wanted that too? Eleanor means nothing to me. She’s a fucking PR stunt, that’s it. My obligations are fulfilled as long as I go out and get my picture taken. The time I spend with her, I’m thinking about you. It’s always been you, Harry, and not once, not for a moment did I ever stop loving you. And I thought we … I thought we had something stronger …” Louis had hoped that this might soften Harry up a bit, but he was completely wrong. He seemed to be wrong a lot lately. 

“You don’t understand! The jealousy was too much. She gets to hold your hand in public. She gets to kiss you. She gets to show to the world that your hers. I want what she has and I can’t fucking have it, and it breaks me.” Harry was breathing hard now, not bothering to stem the steady flow of tears cascading down his cheeks. Louis felt anger building inside him now, because Harry had struck the one nerve Louis hadn’t expected. He was so angry that he didn’t even notice Harry slipping into present tense. 

“You seriously think I don’t understand? I was literally falling in love with you when I met you, and the moment we were a band, you were linked to a woman twice your age. And so many since then. They’re even talking about putting you with that fucking country pop princess, Taylor Swift or whatever her name is. You think you’re the only one in pain? I wake up to new articles about you fucking a new girl every other day and all I want to do is shout from the rooftops that I’m the only one that gets to be with you like that, but I can’t, and you made fucking sure of that when you left me. So don’t even try to tell me what I do and don’t understand.” Louis was crying now too, Harry’s words cutting into him like ice. Did he really think Louis didn’t feel the same pain he felt? “Harry, listen to me … I love you so much, ok? Everything that you feel, I feel like it’s happening to me. I feel every bit of your pain. But I can’t do anything about her. They’re forcing her on me, and the contracts … I’m fighting back as much as I can. I’m still fighting, and will always be fighting, for us. Even if you don’t see it. I’ll never give up.”

Harry and Louis glared at each other from across the room. Louis was breathing hard, tears still streaming down his cheeks. He felt like his heart was being ripped in two. Harry clearly was done with him and their relationship, even though Louis had continuously fought for their freedom even after they broke up. He couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t be the only one caring. He couldn’t be strong.

“Look, if you’re done with me, just go. I can’t … I can’t do - ”

Harry moved so fast that Louis barely had time to register it before Harry was smashing his lips onto Louis’. Louis’ shock was gone quickly as he fell into Harry’s arms, little noises escaping his throat as Harry licked hungrily into his mouth. If this was a dream, he didn’t want it to end.

“Fuck, Lou … I love you … never stopped …” Harry gasped into his mouth, and Louis felt like the entire weight of the world was being lifted off him. Harry loved him. He really did love him.

Louis felt himself and Harry fall back onto the bed, and Louis pulled himself flush against Harry’s chest, needing to be close, needing to feel the heat of Harry’s body against him. Louis’ fingers tangled in Harry’s hair and he tugged slightly. Harry’s lips slipped off Louis’ for a moment, parting as he let out a high-pitched whine. He loved having his hair pulled.

“Shirt … off, Styles, off,” Louis gasped as Harry attached his lips to Louis’ neck. Harry nearly ripped his shirt in half, looking almost hungrily at Louis before kissing him, open mouthed and wet, on his mouth. He felt Harry’s long fingers fiddling with the bottom of his shirt and he allowed Harry to manhandle him, barely letting the shirt clear his head before he was back on Louis’ neck, biting and sucking everywhere his lips could reach. 

Louis flipped them over so he was straddling Harry’s hips, and Harry lay back, his curls spread out over the pillow like a halo. He was so fucking beautiful.

“C’mere,” Harry nearly moaned, pulling Louis down into a bruising kiss. Louis could feel himself getting hard, and Harry was already mostly there against the crease of Louis’ ass. Louis’ moan got lost in Harry’s mouth as he rutted up against him, but then something occurred to him. With all the effort he could muster, he pulled away from Harry and shook his head.

“Haz … Harry, we have to stop.”

Harry’s eyes opened, his cheeks already flushed and his lips puffy and red and wet and so, so inviting, but Louis had to be firm this time. He couldn’t be drawn back in, not right now.

“Why? Is something wrong?” Harry’s voice was raspy and low, but Louis could hear a hint of nervousness in his tone. Louis shook his head, but climbed slowly off Harry and sat next to him, his back against the pillows. 

“We … I just think … I don’t want this to be a one off and then you leave in the night. I’m … not that I don’t want to … but … fuck, I’m making a mess of this aren’t I?”

Harry sat up, trying to compose himself as he turned to face Louis. “No, Lou, not at all. I understand.” He settled across from Louis, wiping his lips just a little before giving Louis his full attention. Louis’ anxious, sick feeling was slowly returning. He shouldn’t be feeling like this, but he couldn’t help it. 

“Harry, I … we need to talk about what happened. Between us, I mean. I thought we were fine. I mean, I know it wasn’t ideal, but I thought we could have made it.” 

Louis watched, almost fearfully, as Harry sucked in a breath. Louis could tell his brain was spinning, trying to figure out how to word what he wanted to say. Harry always took time and care to think through his words, and usually, Louis really loved that about him, but right now, it wasn’t doing anything to curb his mounting fear that Harry was going to leave him once and for all. 

“I didn’t want to let them win, Lou, I swear I didn’t. I just couldn’t watch you come home every night looking like you did. It started with it being about jealousy, I guess, cause I wanted to be yours and I didn’t want anyone else to be, even if it was just for show, but …” Harry paused, and Louis could see the pain in his eyes. He felt his chest tighten. “I got over that eventually. The worst thing was seeing you come home with no light in your eyes. Watching you try to sneak into the bedroom at three in the morning smelling like smoke and booze and looking like you wanted to end it all … I couldn’t handle it.”

“Haz, I didn’t mean to -” Louis began, feeling how tight and cut off his voice was, but Harry put a hand on his knee, silencing him. Louis pressed his lips together and nodded at Harry to continue. 

“I fell in love with a boy who was just starting to grow into who he was. I fell in love with 18-year-old you, Louis. And I loved you more with every passing year, but they took you away from me. They separated us and they tried to change you and I could see how much it was hurting you and there was nothing I could do about it. So I thought maybe … fuck, it was so stupid, but I thought if you didn’t have to worry about me and how it was affecting me, that you might feel better. “

Louis felt a few tears slide down his cheeks, but he didn’t bother brushing them away. “You … you thought leaving me would make me feel better?”

Harry shook his head, looking away from Louis, but Louis knew he was crying. 

“I know how much you feel, how much you put others before yourself. And I couldn’t watch you fall apart because of me. I know you thought you were hiding it, but you weren’t. When you smiled, the light in your eyes was gone. When I held you some nights, I could feel how thin you were getting. When you talked, if ever, you weren’t loud and happy anymore. I didn’t want to be responsible for any of that pain. If I took myself out of the equation …” Harry trailed off, looking up at Louis with puffy eyes and tear stains on his cheeks. Louis’ throat was dry and aching from the effort of holding back his sobs.

“It … broke me, Haz. You left that night and I didn’t sleep. I waited for you to come back. And then you didn’t, and you shut me out and it made me sick. I couldn’t eat or sleep and I fucking fell apart. I needed you more than I should have, but you wouldn’t even talk to me. So if this is some sort of soft let down, I don’t want to hear it, ok? Just tell it to me straight … do you want me back or not?”

Louis couldn’t take it anymore. He felt bad for putting Harry on the spot, but he didn’t think he could take any more gentle heartbreak. He couldn’t depend on his hope. He had to know. 

Harry looked down, tears dripping onto the duvet, before looking back up at Louis. 

“Of course I do, Lou. It’s always gonna be you, and I can’t do this without you.”

Louis let out a dry sob, but he was smiling as he threw his arms around Harry’s neck. Harry wrapped his arms around Louis’ waist and Louis felt whole again. He could feel Harry shaking in his arms, and he was sure he wasn’t much better, but he had to say one more thing. He pulled back from Harry and looked at him through watery eyes. 

“We’re gonna make it, yeah? We’re going to win. One day, we will be free, I promise you, and until that day comes, I will spend every single day making sure you know how much I love you.”

Harry laughed wetly and pulled Louis into a soft kiss, his thumbs caressing Louis’ cheeks and wiping his tears away. Louis’ eyes closed slowly, taking in every feeling he was experiencing. 

“I will never ever make this mistake again. I will fight for us, no matter what it takes,” Harry whispered against Louis’ lips, and Louis nodded, pulling Harry into his arms and burying his face in Harry’s neck. 

They fell asleep like that, curled against each other, and the last thing Louis remembered was Harry’s lips on his forehead.

 

*

Louis woke up the next morning to a cold chill. His brows furrowed before he even opened his eyes, and he reached out for Harry’s hand. The bed next to him was cold and empty. His eyes opened immediately, and he sat up, finding himself alone in the room. Harry was gone.  

Louis’ throat closed, and his chest flared with panic. Had Harry been lying all night long? Had he gotten cold feet and decided he didn’t want Louis after all? Had he done this on purpose just to hurt him? Louis’ mind was spinning, even as he forced himself to stand up and walk into the bathroom. He needed to take a shower and calm himself down. 

He turned the shower on and turned up the water to the hottest it went. As he stepped in, the water nearly scalded his skin, but it woke him up and settled some of the nervous energy he had. He had nothing to worry about. Harry was probably downstairs, or outside with his sisters. Harry had always been an early riser anyway. He had to relax. 

Louis stayed in there for a good thirty minutes, his skin nice and pink from the hot water, before getting out and pulling on fresh clothes. He hesitated only a moment before pulling one of Harry’s sweaters from his still open suitcase and tugging it over his head. It smelled like Harry, it was just a little too big on him, and he knew that Harry loved seeing him in his clothes.  

If Louis thought Harry would be waiting for him downstairs or in the kitchen, he was wrong. In fact, the cabin seemed eerily quiet. Louis walked through the main room and into the kitchen, but no one was around. Louis went to the back door and felt his lips turn up in a real smile. His sisters were all outside, bundled up against the wind, playing in the snow.  There was snow flying and snowmen being formed, and seeing his family that happy made him feel slightly less on edge. But even as Louis saw his own mum and Anne and Gemma, he couldn’t find Harry. 

Trying not to worry about it, he settled in front of the dying fire and fiddled with his phone.  _ Nothing is wrong, _ Louis thought to himself. _ Harry’s fine. He just went for a walk or something. He’ll be back.  _

Even while he was convincing himself of this, he pulled up his messages and sent a message to Harry.

 

**To: Hazza**

**Harry, you ok? Couldn’t find you this morning.**

 

Closing his phone and shoving it in his pocket, Louis heard the back door open and a gaggle of female voices echoing through the cabin. Louis headed back out into the kitchen where he was nearly buried under several very cold figures. He managed to evade them and moved into the middle of the kitchen, suddenly realizing how hungry he was. His mum pulled off her coat and tossed it over the back of a chair.

“Louis, love, you’re up! What can I make you for your special lunch?” Jay smiled widely as she pulled Louis into a sideways hug, kissing his head. Louis let her, but pulled away, slightly confused. 

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I figured the birthday boy should have some say in what we’re eating, don’t you?” Jay said with a laugh, and then it hit him. Today was Christmas Eve – it was his birthday. He was 23. He couldn’t believe he’d actually forgotten, but with everything going on with Harry, he hadn’t been thinking much about it. 

_ Harry.  _

“Umm … yeah, I’m good with anything. Whatever the girls want is fine with me too. Don’t want you guys to make a fuss, I’m just getting old.” Louis allowed himself a laugh before turning towards Anne. “Has anyone seen Harry?”

The chatter in the kitchen died as everyone looked around, as if only then realizing that Harry was gone.

“I, I mean we, thought he was with you,” Anne said, sharing a smirk with Gemma, but Louis wasn’t really in the mood to have them making innuendos. He was really starting to worry now.

“No … I figured he’d be down here, he wasn’t there when I … yeah,” Louis shut up before accidentally telling the entire kitchen they’d slept together.

“Well, I’m sure he’s around here somewhere,” Lottie said, and the girls scattered, calling for him. Louis made his way through the halls carefully, in case Harry was hiding somewhere, but stopped short when he saw Anne and Gemma standing by the open door. 

“The car’s gone … I didn’t think it was that bad between them, did you?”

“No … I told Louis to talk to him last night, I thought they’d work it out.”

“We did … or I thought we did,” Louis mumbled, and they both turned around, closing the door. “Everything was ok … but I guess maybe he didn’t think so.”

He could see their faces fall, and he felt something inside him start to break. He didn’t want to get emotional now, he’d had enough of that lately. 

“He’s gonna come back, Lou, I’m sure of it,” Anne said, giving him a small hug and heading back into the kitchen. Gemma stood there in silence for a moment before pulling out her phone and walking away. Louis checked his phone, but he had no response from Harry. He sent another message. 

 

**To Hazza:**

**Please call me. I’m worried.**

 

*

Louis did his best not to think about Harry all day, but he couldn’t help it. Harry hadn’t once missed his birthday, and not having Harry there was like missing an arm. Even when they’d broken up, Harry had still been there, but now it was just weird. 

The girls tried to make up for Harry’s absence, and made Louis a huge cake – kicking him out of the kitchen of course – but Louis had nothing to do other than wrap the presents he’d gotten for his sisters, and he finished that quickly, his mind returning to Harry almost at once. 

Finally, when it started to get dark, Louis couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to just get outside and do something that would completely distract him.

“Mum, I’m gonna go get some more wood, we’re almost out,” he called through the kitchen door. There were a few shrieks as the girls, assuming Louis was coming into the kitchen, told him to leave. He laughed slightly before heading out to the shed, foregoing a jacket and just grabbing a scarf. Surely it couldn’t be that cold. 

By the time he reached the shed, he was shivering violently. He could hear Harry’s voice calling him an idiot in his head, but he ignored it as he hurried around the small shed, piling firewood into a bucket. His hands and feet and lips were going numb by the time he lifted the overflowing bucket into his arms.

He struggled through the snow back to the house, the wind whipping around him and the snow almost obscuring his sight completely. Only by following his own footsteps did he find his way back to the front door, shouldering it open and feeling a blast of warm air hit him as he closed the door behind him. He stood in the doorway, frozen, before shuffling into the main room and towards the dying fire.

“You want some help with that, Lou?”

Louis stopped short, turning slowly, hardly daring to believe what he was hearing. Harry was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, leaning against the doorframe and looking almost too beautiful for words. Louis felt a horrible mixture of emotions: anger, relief, and an aching pull in his chest, but also the feeling of being whole.

“Where the hell have you been?” Louis’ voice came out a lot harsher than he’d meant it to, and he saw Harry wince slightly.

“I … well, I realized this morning that it was your birthday and for the first time since we met, I hadn’t gotten you a gift. And I knew with the huge mess of a storm outside, I’d have to leave super early if I was even going to have a change of getting back here by tonight.”

“But … you left me there. Alone. After we talked everything out. I thought you had fucked me over and I …” Louis couldn’t think of the right words, he could hardly breathe, because Harry was here again, he was here and smiling at him.

Harry looked away, ashamed. “I know. I looked everywhere for paper and I tried to wake you, but you were so peaceful, and I wanted it to be a surprise. And then when I finally got to town, the phone tower was down, and I couldn’t text you and -”     

Louis felt the bucket of wood slip from his arms and was moving towards Harry before he knew what was happening. He threw his arms around Harry’s waist and hugged him tightly. 

“I thought you …” Louis gasped, breathing Harry in and listening to his heartbeat, the sound calming him. Harry’s arms wrapped around him just as tightly and they just stood there for a moment, holding each other. 

“I know, baby, I’m sorry. But I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere,” Harry whispered, pulling back to smile at him. Louis grabbed his face gently and pressed his lips several times against Harry’s. Harry smiled against Louis’ kisses, his hands sliding to settle on Louis’ waist. 

“Oi, you two, stop snogging and get in here. Dinner’s ready,” Gemma called, and Louis pulled away from Harry reluctantly, leaning their foreheads together.

“Later,” Harry breathed, sneaking in one more kiss before pulling away completely. Louis reached for his hand and slid his fingers through Harry’s, and together, they walked in to meet everyone else. 

 

*

The cake was perfect. Dinner was perfect. Everything was right where it should be. Louis didn’t stop smiling for the entire night, and his hand never left Harry’s grip. He ate a full meal for the first time in months, and by the smiles on his mum’s and Harry’s faces, they were happy to see him starting to get back to normal. 

After cake, everyone went to bed, exhausted and preparing to get up early the next morning for Christmas. Louis helped his mum carry down all the presents, and he pulled Harry’s present out from the bottom of his bag, hiding it on the mantle. He and Harry’d had a bet at the beginning of the year that they could beat the other at getting the best Christmas gift, and Louis was pretty sure he was going to win. His gift would make Harry cry, anyway, in the best way possible. Even with their break up, Louis felt it was appropriate to give Harry this gift. His feelings for Harry hadn’t changed, and he figured it was now or never. He’d waited long enough.

Harry had disappeared up to their room a while ago, and Louis was just finishing up straightening the presents when his phone buzzed.  

 

**From Hazza:**

**Come upstairs. Your present is waiting for you ;)**

 

Louis flushed … could it be? He kissed his mum good night and headed up the stairs. The door to their room was closed, so he knocked first.

“Lou?” came the response from the other side of the wood, and Louis smiled to himself.

“Yeah, baby, it’s me.”

“Come in, then,” Harry said quietly, and Louis slipped into the room, closing the door behind him before turning to face the room. His eyes widened, and his mouth dropped open in surprise, and yet somehow, he’d known this was going to happen all along.

Harry was sitting on their bed, his hair tied up in a loose bun, but with a few stray curls framing his face. He was completely naked except for a large red bow tied around his torso. His cock was already leaking, sticking almost straight up, and Harry’s cheeks were flushed the deepest shade of pink. Above him, hanging from the ceiling light, was a copious amount of mistletoe.

“You … you went all the way to town for this?” Louis said with a chuckle, feeling his cheeks burning, and Harry looked up at him from the bed, his eyes wide and slightly pleading.

“Wanted to … make it festive,” Harry said with a little gasp, his cock brushing the duvet as he moved slightly, and Louis hurried to pull of his own shirt.

“You win, Haz. For now,” Louis said, yanking down his jeans and pants in one go. He got hold of his own cock, stroking it a few times as he walked towards the bed. He crawled next to Harry, his back against the bedframe, and Harry crawled desperately into his lap, wasting no time in getting his lips on Louis’.

Louis found Harry’s waist at once, and he gave a little squeeze to Harry’s pudgy hips, thumbing over his fern tattoos as he let his tongue slip into Harry’s mouth. He feels Harry make little noises into his mouth as his hands slide over his ass and slip between his cheeks. Louis pulls back slightly, smirking at Harry.

“Got yourself all ready for me? Is that where you disappeared to?” Louis asked, rubbing the pad of his finger over Harry’s wet and open hole, and he felt Harry’s whole body sag against his. Harry nodded vigorously, a high-pitched whine leaving his lips.

“Oh god, Lou, please …” Harry gasped, mouthing at Louis’ neck. Louis leaned his head back and Harry moved with him, keeping himself as close to Louis as he could. Louis pulled Harry closer by his bum, their cocks rubbing together and causing both of them to moan. Louis bit back his noises – there were several other people in the house and he was not about to risk any of his sisters waking up on Christmas to himself and Harry fucking.

As Louis slipped two fingers inside Harry, Harry started panting, his breaths coming short as he ground back against Louis’ fingers. 

“Harry, gotta be quieter, love. Don’t want the girls,  _ oh fuck _ , hearing us …” Louis said, unable to hold back his groan as Harry’s cock, slick with precome, moved easily against his own. 

“More, Lou, more,” Harry begged, and Louis slid in a third finger next to his other two, feeling the stretch. Harry’s eyes were closed, and his face had a blissed out look on it, his mouth open and inviting. Louis leaned up and nipped at Harry’s full bottom lip before moving up to capture his mouth with his own. Harry’s hands found their way to Louis’ face, and Louis could feel them shaking. 

“Fuck, Harry … gonna come if you keep that up,” Louis whispered against Harry’s lips as Harry moved Louis’ fingers in and out with little swivels of his hips. 

“M’ready, Lou, need you, please.” Harry’s voice was low and gravely, but had a pleading quality to it that Louis could never say no to. 

“Ok, ok, baby.”

Louis pulled his fingers out, much to Harry’s dismay, if his whine of protest was anything to judge by, but his hand was already on his cock, trying not to get himself too worked up as he aligned himself with Harry’s hole. Harry sank right down onto Louis’ cock, not even pausing to adjust. His eyebrows pulled together in pain, but he relished in it, leaning down to mouth at Louis’ nipples. Louis’ hips bucked up accidentally at that – he had pretty sensitive nipples when it came down to it.

“Haz … so fucking tight, baby, always so tight for me,” Louis gasped as Harry started doing little figure eights against Louis’ pelvis, trying to find the right angle.

“Fuck me harder,” Harry whispered against Louis’ chest, and Louis’ hips snapped up, causing Harry’s whole body to jerk with the force of it. Harry nodded, his lips pressed tightly together to avoid making too much noise. Louis found his rhythm and pounded up into Harry, only knowing that he’d found Harry’s spot when Harry’s entire face slackened and he let out a moan of “ _ ohfuckinglouplease _ …”

Louis was exhausted; he could feel sweat covering every inch of his body and he was desperate to make Harry come, but the pulled muscle in his back was starting to flare up.

“Harry … gotta ride me, baby,” Louis managed to gasp out between kisses, and Harry wasted no time in beginning to bounce up and down on Louis’ cock, small gasping whimpers coming out of his mouth with every bounce.

“So close, Lou, please,” Harry gasped wildly, pulling himself almost completely off Louis’ cock and slamming his hips back down. Louis could feel the twisting deep in his stomach, like someone was winding up a wind-up toy as far as it could possibly go before letting it loose. Louis reached up and tugged the hair tie out of Harry’s hair. His curls tumbled down around his face and, in Louis’ mind, he looked like an angel. 

“So beautiful, angel, so so beautiful,” Louis whispered, winding his fingers through Harry’s hair, and Harry nuzzled into his touch, and they were suspended in that moment, just taking in each other and everything surrounding them. And then Louis gave Harry’s hair a tug and that was it. Harry came hard, ropes of pearly white come painting Louis’ chest, his breath coming in whines and groans alike as his hips slowed down, taking himself through it slowly. Louis was so close, so fucking close he wanted to cry.

Harry pulled away from Louis, letting his cock fall out of Harry, and dipped between his legs. Louis had less than a second to prepare before Harry’s tongue was lapping at his hole.

“Fuck, Harry, sh-shit,” Louis stuttered as Harry pulled Louis closer to him, eating him out properly. Harry knew this was Louis’ weakness, his guilty pleasure, and he was eating him out with such enthusiasm that Louis thought he might pass out. He was so hard, so desperate to come, and his hand moved towards his cock, but Harry looked up with pleading eyes, and Louis knew what he wanted. He bit down hard on his lip and moved his hand instead into Harry’s hair, moving himself against Harry’s mouth and trying to get Harry’s tongue deeper inside him. 

Harry hummed against Louis’ hole, pressing open mouthed kisses to it, and Louis only had time to tighten his hand in Harry’s hair before he was coming, harder than he had in a long time. Harry kept his mouth on Louis, probably feeling his hole contract with the force of his orgasm. Louis put an arm over his eyes, panting as he came back to himself. His legs felt like they wouldn’t support his weight if he dared to try it, but he didn’t care, because he had his boy, his Harry, right there with him.

“Hazza, come up here,” Louis said softly, and Harry’s hot mouth left Louis’ hole, only making Louis slightly disappointed. Harry curled up next to Louis and pressed soft kisses to his cheek and the side of his mouth before finally finding his mouth. They kissed lazily for a bit, their hands roaming their bodies with light touches. Louis finally pulled away, smiling too much to keep kissing Harry, and Harry lay his head on Louis’ chest, tugging the duvet over both of them. 

“I love you, you know that, right?” Harry said, looking up at Louis, and Louis pressed a kiss to his forehead, feeling light and happy and better than he had all year.

“Yeah, Haz, I know. I love you too,” Louis replied, pulling Harry closer to his chest. He never wanted to be apart from him again, in any sense.

“You’re my boyfriend, yeah? My soulmate,” Harry mumbled, his voice slow in his exhaustion.

“Of course, love. Always.”

 

*

Louis’ palms were sweating as he paced the main room. He’d asked everyone to clear out … he didn’t think he could do this with an audience. Harry was in the bathroom, or would be for only a few moments more, and the longer it took Harry to come back, the more nervous he became. He stopped pacing and pulled Harry’s gift from behind the garland he’d placed it behind the night before. This was it. He was actually doing it this time.

He’d thought about waiting a bit, seeing as he and Harry had only fixed things a few days ago, but he didn’t think he could take holding it in for one more second.

He heard the toilet flush and his heart made its way to his throat. Harry walked back into the room, drying his hands on his pants, and stopped short in the doorway.

“Where is everyone?” he asked, looking from the empty couches to Louis, who was standing in front of the tree, the branches digging into his back. Louis took a deep breath and smiled nervously.

“Umm, I asked them all to leave. I wanted to give you your gift in private.”

Harry raised his eyebrows but didn’t ask questions. He moved forward into the light of the fire and Louis, his heart pounding furiously, handed over the small wrapped box.

Louis wondered if Harry could see his heart trying to tear its way through his shirt as Harry’s eyes flitted from Louis’ face to the package, his long fingers unwrapping it slowly. He finally got the paper off and took off the lid, and sighed with a smile as he held up a smaller box inside.

“Are you kidding me, Lou?”

Louis laughed at Harry’s incredulous look and shifted on his toes. “Just keep going.”

Harry looked down at the box and opened it, and let out a chuckle as he pulled out one even smaller box, this one velvet. Harry’s eyes grew wide, and he looked at Louis. Louis nodded, encouraging Harry to open it, and as Harry’s eyes left him, Louis’ hand went to his pocket.

“But, Lou, the box … it’s empty,” Harry said, looking up from the box, but Louis was already on one knee, looking up at Harry and holding up his hand. 

The ring had taken him forever to find. He’d been planning to propose in 2013, but the ring he wanted had been bought by someone else. He could have just had it custom made, but he really wanted it to fit Harry, be made for him with none of Louis’ personal influence. He wanted to find the ring the same way that he found Harry – by accident, but because of fate. And then a few days after Harry’s birthday in 2014, he found it. He had been shopping for his mum, hoping to get her a new piece of jewelry that she really loved, and it was right there, nestled in green velvet. He’d nearly cried when he saw it, and he’d bought it at once. He hadn’t even checked the size, because he just knew that it would fit perfectly.

Harry’s eyes finally found Louis, and his hand went to his mouth, his eyes filling with tears. Louis cleared his throat, trying his best to keep his composure. 

“Hazza, I … I’ve had this planned in my head since the day I met you, honestly. And I know we had a rough year and I almost lost you, but I don’t intend to lose you ever again. I love you more than life, more than anything the world could give me. I get to live my dream and be in love at the same time and it’s all I’ve ever wanted. I want to make you happy. So, Harry Edward Styles, will you marry me?”

Harry rubbed his hands over his face, wiping away the tears that had started rolling down his cheeks, and he laughed into his hands. Louis stayed where he was, waiting.

“Yes, yeah, of course … Lou, get up here,” Harry said in a rush, and Louis stood up, Harry pulling him into a kiss. 

“Baby, gotta put the ring on ya,” Louis teased, and Harry pulled back, sniffing and holding out his hand, his smile wider than Louis had ever seen. He held Harry’s hand gently and slid the ring onto his ring finger. It fit snugly and perfectly, just as Louis had hoped. 

“Did he say yes?” 

A voice called from the other side of the kitchen door, and Harry gave a watery laugh, pulling Louis into a tight hug.

“You can all come in now,” Louis called, nuzzling his face into Harry’s neck, and the girls and their mums poured into the room, screaming in delight and yelling congrats at them. But Louis and Harry didn’t move. They were in their own world, basking in the light of this perfect Christmas.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos are appreciated! Thank you for reading!


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